Lord Voldemort is the Muffin Man
by firemage1
Summary: Random stories about the people of Harry Potter. What's Voldie's other profession? What do Death Eaters do when they get together? What's Malfoy's secret to looking sexy? Written to help end my writer's block. (Hope it works!) Read and Review! ^^


**Random Tales of Hogwarts**

A combination fic by Hot Shot

A/N: The title explains pretty much everything.  This is sort of a combination of all my HP fics.  I got the ideas when I saw Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone for the second time with my best friend. ^^; Pretty easy to follow even if you haven't read all my HP fics. ^^ 

**Queen Neville and the Muffin Man**

     Neville had been given the awesome responsibility of being the next Queen of England.  He had been marching through the halls with a feeling of authority and made sure all was safe and running smoothly at Hogwarts.  When Pansy Parkinson stalked Draco Malfoy, Neville made sure the halls were clear so she could quickly dash after him when his hiding place was revealed.

"I'm going to get you for this, Longbottom!" Hollered Draco as he sped down the hall wearing nothing but a towel.  Pansy had discovered him coming out of the boys' bathroom that morning.

"Just doing my duty!" Called Neville with a hearty wave as Pansy squealed and Draco screamed.

     Neville took his responsibilities very seriously.  He often played matchmaker for his classmates when he heard of someone's unrequited love, finding a place of solitude for the two.

"Draco, how did we get locked in the _girls'_ bathroom?"  Asked Hermione uncertainly.  She was backed against a wall.

"I have no idea, but I am _liking_ this!"  Draco said with a sexy smirk.

"Don't you even dare," growled Hermione.  (She didn't mean that, of course.  After all, who could resist Draco Malfoy?)  

     Neville also made sure his friends got the best breakfast foods in the morning.  Whenever Harry decided to go try to impress Cho again, Neville would always supply him with a good deal of muffins and bagels.  Orange juice was too dangerous for Harry when the reason involved Cho.  But today, there were no muffins to be found in the Great Hall.  This left Queen Neville with an unsettling feeling.  He marched through the tables of the various houses in disarray.

"You!  Do you know…the muffin man?"  He pointed a finger at Draco.

Malfoy had just finished drying his hair and fastened his robe securely around himself.  "The muffin man?"

"The muffin man!"

"No, I don't know what the hell you're talking about, Longbottom.  And just for letting Pansy chase me right after my shower, I'm going to tell everyone that you wear a pink sparkly thong."  

Neville ignored the last comment, for it was _certainly_ not true.  He stood on the table and shouted, "Does _anyone know…the muffin man?"_

BANG!  The doors of the Great Hall burst open as a stuttering Peter Pettigrew and Lord Voldemort stood there in a frilly pink apron and oven mitts.

"I AM THE MUFFIN MAN!  HEAR ME ROAR!"  Lord Voldemort roared.  The Slytherins clapped.  Lord Voldemort roughly snatched a basket of muffins from Pettigrew and said sweetly, "Who wants one?  I made them fresh!"

"Muffins for everybody!" Said Neville proudly as everyone cheered and started taking muffins from Voldie – er, Lord Voldemort.  They were quickly interrupted when Professor Dumbledore burst into the scene.

"Hold it right there, you!  No one gives my students muffins except ME!" 

Lord Voldemort started to cry.  "But I spent so much time on them!  Nobody likes me, everybody hates me!  I guess I'll go eat worms!"

"Somebody call St. Mungo's!  We've got a real nutcase here!" Dumbledore shouted.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

     Lord Voldemort was carried away by five professional psychiatrists, all the while shouting, "I AM the muffin man!  I am!  I am!"  The psychiatrists were prepared for this kind of behavior, though, and merely shoved a muffin into his mouth to shut him up.

     Neville looked disappointed.  "_Now where am I going to get muffins?"_

**Slumber Party in the Forbidden Forest**

     Around the time when Harry, Ron, Draco and Neville were serving detention with Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest, a few of Lord Voldemort's best friends were getting together for a very important meeting with their master.  It was top secret.  

     At the time when Harry and Draco stumbled upon Professor Quirrell drinking the unicorn blood, the guests were just arriving.  Lucius Malfoy was the first to arrive.

"Looksie!  I brought you some snake milk.  Oh my gosh, you _have_ to try it, it tastes just like chicken!" He waved his hand about and fluttered his eyelashes.   

The snake poked its head out of Lucius's basket and gave a morose, "Moo…"

Quirrell tutted.  "You're so silly!  Everyone knows unicorn blood is tastier, and it tastes like turkey!"  He bent down and continued drinking the blood as Lucius took a picnic blanket out and started spreading it on the ground.  

Draco, not knowing that his father was the one spreading out the blanket, screamed and ran away.  One could see his lantern bobbing in the night and hear his screaming from a distance.  

     Harry tripped and looked on, horrified.  "What the –"  Quirrell heard him and stood up instantly.  He started towards Harry then stopped.  

"Oh my gosh, I broke a nail!"

     At that moment, Firenze the centaur leaped in a grabbed Harry.  "You shouldn't be here, Harry Potter!  Mars is bright tonight!  Do you know who is desperate enough to drink unicorn blood?  Dude, Mars is bright tonight!  And besides, what are you doing at _his_ slumber party – mine is sooooo much better!  Mars is bright tonight!  We've got live entertainment!"  He arrived at the scene of the centaur party were Bane and Ronan were dancing on a "stage" and singing karaoke.

"_I like big butts and I do not lie…_" Harry paled and tried to creep away.  Luckily, Hagrid found him and rescued him, thus ending Harry's first adventure in the Forbidden Forest.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

     More guests started arriving for Lord Voldemort's surprise party- I mean, very important meeting.  Macnair had come with his makeup kit.  "Look guys!  We can give each other makeovers!"  The other Death Eaters (at the moment it consisted of Lucius Malfoy, Quirrell, Peter Pettigrew, and Snape) cheered.  

"Like, I've always wanted to do manicures!  I am _so_ a coral pink kind of guy, don't you think?" exclaimed Quirrell, who then continued to drink the unicorn blood.  

"Quirrell-poo!  Leave some for us!"  Whined Snape.  

Macnair pulled out an expensive china tea set and lovely little china cups.  "Okay!  So who wants a cup of green tea?  I stole this tea set from a Muggle family somewhere in France!"  

Peter grabbed a cup.  "Me!  Me!  These cups are so ka-yute, Macnair-baby!"

"Aren't they just darling?  You know, I heard green tea does _wonders_ for your hair!  It really gets down to those cuticles…" gushed Macnair.

"It's been clinically proven to do _miracles_ on your complexion too," said Snape, fluttering his eyelashes.    

Lucius shushed everybody.  "What are you shushing us for, Lucy dear?  You're so silly!" said Quirrell.

"We have to wait for Voldie!"

Quirrell tutted again.  "Silly, he's on the back of my head!"  He unwrapped his turban and revealed Lord Voldemort grinning on the back of his head.  

"Oh.  My.  Gosh."  Said Pettigrew, Lucius and Macnair.  "Quirrell-poo, you ruined it!  Now it's not a surprise anymore!"

Lord Voldemort tutted.  "Don't worry, sillies!  I don't mind!  And look!"  Quirrell picked up a basket that was lying by his side.  "We baked muffins!"  Everyone clapped and the slumber party in the Forbidden Forest continued with manicures, makeovers, and green tea.

****

**Draco's Malfoy's morning routine **

     Draco Malfoy was a very handsome boy, no doubt about that.  He always heard the gossip in the halls.  "Oh!  It's Draco!  Oh, he's such a dreamboat isn't he?"

"I swear he looked straight at me!  I think I'm going to die!"  (That could have a double meaning, though Draco wasn't aware of that.)

     Yes, he was one sexy boy.  And he knew it.  _There's only one guy that could be half as good-looking as me,_ Draco thought as he stood in front of his mirror practicing his smirk.  _And that's me. _ He ran his fingers through his beautiful, blonde, voluminous hair (thanks to lots of Pantene Pro-V).

     Draco usually brushed his teeth right after he woke up.  Afterwards he would apply a mud mask on his face to keep his skin smooth and while he was waiting for it to dry he read beauty magazines.  After ten minutes, he would go shower.  

     When showering, Draco made sure he used extra conditioning in his hair, thus explaining why his hair was always shiny and slick.  Draco didn't believe in gel and blow-dryers.

     After showering, a towel-clad Draco would always stand in front of the bathroom mirror combing his hair and slapping cologne on his chest while listening to the radio station for wizards.  "You," he pointed to himself in the mirror, "are one _beautiful_ guy."  He winked at his reflection.  Then he grabbed the comb and started singing and dancing in front of the mirror, for the radio was playing a song that he liked.  "_War! HUH!_" He crooned. "_What is it good for?!_"  He grinned at himself. "_Absolutely nothing!  Say it again! Yeah, yeah, yeah!_"  He bobbed his head and did the moonwalk.  His towel stayed on him – miraculously.   

     Dressing followed after the daily shower and primping.  Draco was _very_ color-coordinated.  In fact, he was the best dressed male on campus even if everybody wore the same outfits, more or less.  It didn't matter, as long as Draco was convinced of it.  "Draco," he said to himself one day, "you could be the next Martha Stewart if she were a wizard and a guy."  He grabbed a pair of underwear.  "But then again, there are better things you could be.  Like a model."  He grinned to himself, showing all his pearly white teeth, which were not bleached.  _I could be an underwear model_, he thought, smiling to himself.  Mental images of him in boxers standing on the runway with Hermio- er, dozens of beautiful girls standing by him ran through his mind.  "Not bad, Malfoy.  Not bad."  He finished dressing, checked his breath and his armpits, then with a last wink at the mirror headed off to the Great Hall for breakfast.

The End….or is it?

Whaddya think?  You can REVIEW and tell me! *wink* J__


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